“Widespread transmission of the virus may impact schools, child care centers, colleges, concerts, festivals and — sporting events

But don’t worry; be happy. I’m in secret negotiations with the microbes. And making the border wall … microbe … resistant.”

“I urge Americans to prepare for “social distancing measures” such as closing schools and canceling large events. An opportunity,

born of a tragedy. But don’t worry. Be happy. The games may well go on, but just need to be played in arenas, of fans, emptied.”

“The implementation of so-called social distancing measures between here and Election Day may spell the end of my bid for

re-election. An opportunity, the virus for us if games need be played in arenas emptied of customers they play all season — for.”

“Nigeria’s the sub-Saharan region of Africa’s first case. WHO says the virus’ invisible spread could get out of control. Socially

disruptive, social distancing measures; all they have against wily microbes. But I’m negotiating with the microbes, secretly.”

“Financial markets around the world continued their relentless plunge on Friday, with European exchanges all declining more

than 2 percent. Wall Street seemed poised to follow. This may be my worst week since the crisis of 2008. I can’t take … any more.”

“The buck stops over there on Mike’s desk. I have set expectations for stopping the virus almost impossibly high. It’ll be up to Mikey

to meet those expectations. Or face the consequences of a mercurial boss intent on avoiding at all cost, responsibility.”

“This is a reality check for every government on the planet. Wake up. And get ready. An outbreak, gone epidemic, goes pandemic

— possibly — as soon as tomorrow. As soon as tomorrow we may leave the Middle Ages, to enter into this new age, so, tragi-comic.”

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